23

Psalm 23:4 Yea,  though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no  evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Look at the boy. Look at him, dressed in a neat grey blazer that his mom picked. Look at him, gently moving across the dais, trying to remain composed in this unfamiliar moment. Look at him, almost fumbling over the words he rehearsed all morning. Look at all the eyes staring at him, trying to make up what he is all about. Now hear his tone change as he starts talking about his encounter with Jesus. Hear his passion explode as he explains how Christ saved him from the grip depression. Look at how uncomfortable everyone who expected a mere motivational speech gets. Look, and soak it all in. This was a few months ago. Now close your eyes momentarily and imagine the irony of the circumstances at play tonight.

Picture him, pacing along the empty highway in the thick gloom of twilight. The boy has been walking along this road, waiting for any vehicle; a car, a van, but preferably, a truck. He knows all the attention will be on him by morning, but there is little he can do about it. He hates attention and he would do anything to avoid it. The last time he drew as much of it, he was on that dais. He knew that nobody believed him when he said that Jesus had appeared to him in a dream. Nobody believed him when he said God had sent him to speak for Him. He looked nothing like an average preacher. He seemed too spontaneous. He was driven by passion and not judgment. It had been thereafter concluded by the hosts that he stood up to make a name for himself, and to show himself special. And he was severely persecuted thereafter.

He was 22 then, but tonight, his passion has been erased by fear and his composure by condemnation. He knows what will be said at dawn after it is all done. How they were right to dismiss him as an imposter who needed help rather than a platform. He knows his mother’s impending tears, but tonight he is not allowed to feel them. Nobody will ever understand, not even her.

There is a curfew on this cold night, and so, vehicles are few and far apart. By the time the first truck speeds by, he no longer has the energy to do what he had intended to do. But he knows he has to eventually mount the courage, and so he paces on, waiting for the next. Tonight, he recognizes that everything will change. He will find a new, hostile home in another realm. He never had the time to come to terms with this; neither did he have time to prepare. The moment he understood what he had to do, he vehemently cried out his last prayer wrote his suicide note, and left. He knew God would never answer his prayer, and they would soon be eternally separated.

He has too many thoughts to process. His heart breaks when he remembers how fervently he preached about Jesus, the one who had saved him from his mental anguish. But when he needed Him the most, He rejected him and surrendered him to the evil one. Tonight, when the accuser came to war, he had no weapon against him. He was alone.

Few will understand what the boy has gone through over the last few months. When he began to passionately pursue God, he started seeing and hearing things in the realm in the spirit. While some said he had a gift, others dismissed him as confused. When he talked about the things God was telling him, he became an outcast in his fellowship. Nobody understood what he meant, nor did they try to. His heart broke and he began spending more and more time alone. But soon his heart became heavy and his passion began to wane. Despite all the experiences he had had, he began to doubt the faithfulness of God. It was then that his spiritual perception began to change. Instead of hearing God's voice, he began to hear demonic utterances and started having strange dreams and visions. When he asked for help, nobody understood what he said. For almost a week, he hardly slept. He would get terrible mind attacks all night and God seemed more and more distant.

Earlier tonight, a demonic spirit came into his room and threatened to murder his family unless he committed suicide. Nobody else would have heard it if they were there. But his spiritual senses perceived exactly what the spirit demanded. The whole atmosphere was clouded by the demonic presence. It was too dense for him to miss it. He cried in anguish. He cursed the day he began perceiving the spiritual realm. With barely 6 hours of sleep all week, his mind was too drained to think. He knew the spirit meant what he said. In the few weeks prior, he had seen everything he had put his trust in fall apart. He believed he had committed the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost because he was being attacked so freely by demonic spirits despite praying for help. Maybe all the negative things everyone accused him of were true. Why else would God punish him in such a crude way? Nobody deserved to die because of him. Not particularly his family... It was then that he decided to obey the spirit and commit suicide.

In two days or so, the poor boy will probably be buried at night beside the gate in a funeral attended by only a few people; as a custom for those who are cowardly enough to take their own lives. He will probably be in the news and be the subject of every mental health forum over the next few months. They will all be sorry for not reading the signs earlier. For not realizing how weak he had become, weak enough to take his own life. No one will understand that this boy was everything but weak. In fact, he was strongest just before his demise. The young man gave his life for his family. The young man threw himself in front of the truck because he did not want his kin to tormented because of him. This is the truth that will never be known. The truth he will descend to hell with.

Indeed, tonight he will die at 23. Not because God has abandoned him, but because he will be shown mercy. He may not realize this, but when he made the prayer in agony before leaving his room, God heard him. Would He ever despise such brokenness? And as he paced along the empty road, God sent an angel to battle the spirit of suicide that the enemy had released upon him. The young man does not understand why he no longer has an urge to jump in front of the next truck. He does not know the war that has just taken place in the spirit. But in a few months, God will reveal this to him. As for now, he is still shaken by everything that has unfolded.

He may not escape death tonight, but because of grace, he will die differently. None of the eight or so trucks that will pass by him will take his life. Instead, he will die to self, fear, pride, disbelief, ambition, and many other things he never knew he was a slave to. He will always remember how his understanding failed him and he will no longer put his confidence in flesh. By dawn, he will have walked so far from home that there will be no easy way back. He will spend two days and nights alone on a sugarcane plantation in the middle of nowhere, without any food or water. He will be completely broken, fearful of what may have happened to his family because of his disobedience. His missing-person poster will circulate extensively and all attention will be on him. Everything he was ever afraid of will happen. But on the third day, Jesus will audibly tell him to go back home; and he will recognize his lover's voice and obey.

Nothing about him will be the same thereafter. Even though it will momentarily intensify, no longer will he be broken by persecution. No longer will he be stuck in certain spaces, no longer will he maintain certain habits. His spiritual direction will change and he will steadily become more and more confident about who God has called him to be. Some friends and mentors will indeed abandon him, but he will meet others directed from above. He will know the heart of the Father and no longer will he believe the voice of a stranger. No longer will he hold firmly to conventional beliefs. No longer will he be held by the chains of religion. He will begin to walk with the Holy Ghost and embrace his gifts of discernment of spirits and prophecy. His words will be few and far between. He will show mercy and grace to all who need it and give more second chances than he was ever offered. Above all, he will always believe God’s word, even when the enemy's voice is loudest. In many ways, he will die tonight, but this resurrection will be the juice of his story.

Now open your eyes, and yet again, look at the boy. Look at him, dressed in the neat grey blazer his Poppa bought last holiday. Look at him, holding the mic as he recounts what Jesus did for him. Look at him, growing in confidence as he progressively narrates his testimony. Look at him, completely unaware of what awaits him in the coming few months. Look at his new black leather shoes that he nearly left at home because they were yet to comfortably fit . They will protect his blistered feet during his 30 km walk. Just pause and look, and soak it all in. Because the person you are looking at is really me.

John 12:24
Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and  dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many  seeds.